Tuesday, April 12 2005, 23:18

Queen Mania

There was this programme on ITV1 on Saturday which was some kind of tribute to Queen (not the Queen); they had a bunch of z-list artists covering/murdering some of the great Queen numbers. Normally I wouldn't tune into such a programme (indeed, I'll be passing over Madonna Mania next week!), but I had a special interest in this particular show... I was sitting in the front row when they filmed it.

Yes, Paul waved a free ticket beneath my nose when I returned to London, penniless and desperate for entertainment. The ticket was courtesy of his friend, Mark, who was also in the front row for Madonna Mania... Imagine my horror when the cameras kept turning to point at Paul (and therefore me too). They did it a lot too, probably because Paul can't help but play to an audience, and the cameramen were no exception ;)

So we watched some recorded acts, some live ones, and one dead one - some hasbeen called Tony Christie... Whatever. If you're not a resident of the UK right now, you'll never have heard of G4, Myleen Klass, and you may be lucky enough to have escaped the phenomenon that is Toyah Willcox; you won't recognise the guys from Coronation Street who were dressed as improbable ladies, taking off the famously transvestite I want to break free video. Probably the best act was Mel C, who started us off, and was actually darn good. Otherwise, we were treated to some real turkeys, but that didn't stop Mark on my left periodically screaming, "yeah!", and Paul on my right similarly cheering, "wooo!"

Thankfully, Paul's tv career (and mine) are on a cutting room floor somewhere. I couldn't be sure though, that's why I waited until after the programme aired to tell you about it :)

Saturday, April 23 2005, 10:30

From the sacred to the profane

In the office the other day, the guy sitting next to me had the BBC's "Vaticam" open; the view for most of the day had been that lonely chimney on the Sistine Chapel doing not much at all, but there was a suggestion of a frisson of a bit of interest when it started adding to Italy's carbon dioxide emissions. I'm an old hand at papal conclaves, it has to be said, although I don't remember JP1 or JP2 being elected; nevertheless, anyone who spent two years at school studying mediaeval European history will have a passing interest in the machinations of such an antique institution. I suspect that Dan Brown's jejunely maladroit offerings may have also sparked a recent interest in the workings of the Catholic Church, although I protest I've only had the displeasure of reading Angels and Demons.

I'm not a Catholic so it's not really my place to pontificate (ha ha) on the choice, but since every man and his dog seems to be doing it, I will anyway. It's a little unfortunate that the papers keep dredging up Benedict XVI's early start in the Hitler Youth, and keep referring to him as the Panzer Cardinal, but he does seem to have some rather arch-conservative views. I find it a bit annoying that some people disgruntled with the election are complaining that the cardinals have made the wrong decision; don't they realise that God Himself made the choice?! Clearly these people are only fair-weather Catholics who the Church would be better without. It's no great revelation that Benedict XVI is cut from the same cloth as the late John Paul II; it just shows that God is consistent in His opinions - He still hates the unholy trinity of abortion, condoms, and homos.

I wonder if JP2 is currently rubbing shoulders with all those people who have died from AIDS and meritoriously left a legion of HIV+ orphans behind them. No doubt they're all in the know, and God's mysterious plan isn't nearly so mysterious. They're probably looking down and laughing at us doubting Thomases...

A papal election is a rather elaborate and deliciously archaic piece of theatre, but I suspect some of us love to watch it because it's such an anachronism - it's a bit of history happening under our noses. I think that in this country more than others, we like to wrap ourselves up in history like some post-imperial blanket and forget that Britain is no longer a colossus bestriding the globe. I also suspect that's why our PM can get away with dragging us into foreign wars - because it assuages some deep-seated British need to be bludgeoning some "inferior" society into civilisation...

Speaking of Tony, whose job is up for grabs again on May 5... Matt and I were horrified to discover we didn't even have a Lib Dem candidate for our constituency until that changed right at the last minute. So only two weeks more of another cynical, headline-grabbing, appealing to the hoi-polloi election campaign, and we're done. Talk about a contrast though - no princes of the church in crimson robes or vaguely white smoke and tolling bells; it's all rictus grins on the faces of suited people with red, blue, or yellow ribands, courting the votes of people who can't tie their own shoelaces, and Peter Snow and his famous Swingometer on the big night, dazzling us with the calculations and percent swing needed to kick some hapless Conservative out of their Middle England safe seat, etc., etc.

I can't wait.

Wednesday, April 27 2005, 11:04

Like a virgin

From time to time, some of you respond to my latest journal entry, reassuring me that you're not all dead, and that these ramblings are of sufficient interest to some of you to prompt you a response of some sort. I think at some point, I might even build a little something whereby you can post your comments for everyone to see, and even discuss or argue them. That way, you'd have got to read Andrew's explanation of why our coldest and hottest weather hits us a month or so later than midwinter and midsummer (among other things), and it would have saved me emailing you this slight addendum to my last email.

Last night, as we were making our way home, Christian took me to task for the Catholic-bashing theme of my last email (I didn't think it was really Catholic-bashing, but there you go):
"Graham, any religion that has men in women's clothes, doesn't let women in, has kissing of rings, and allows you to worship at the feet of (the) Madonna all day can't be all bad!"

Comments on an email please! :)