Thursday, May 19 2005, 0:55

Soft, moist, chocolate chip cookies

I've been a bit slack in the gym department recently, so I was pleased that I went today. Rather embarrassingly caught myself staring at one of my fellow members, and when I realised I was doing crunches just to be on the next mat, I decided it was time to leave before I got escorted out. I got as far as the Millie's Cookies stand in London Bridge station before caving to craving and buying not one, not two, not three, but FIVE cookies, gloriously moist, which I ate one after another like some starving animal.

It seems odd that I spend my life fighting my weaknesses only to reward myself by indulging them..

Thursday, May 19 2005, 13:51

Iron suits for fat men, and other mediaeval fads

There aren't many buildings around that are as old as our electoral system, but the Tower of London is one of them, and it's a lot more interesting. Warren, Tash, and I had a wander around it a couple of weeks ago. Initially, we followed a tour led by one of the Beefeaters, or Yeomen as they're otherwise known. This chap was a retired army officer (as are they all, it appears), whose parade-ground volume was very useful. He delighted in regaling us with the gory history of the Tower and abusing any Americans who were in our group. The White Tower was completed in 1100, and still stands at the centre of the complex; the exhibitions inside showed us how the Tower has been changed by its many royal occupants, what unpleasant things had happened to its "guests", and what crazy metal corsetry was fashionable in the Middle Ages. It's amazing to think that a war horse "back in the day" could carry as fat a man as Henry VII as well as his armour and the horse's own armour.

Obviously the history of the Tower was interesting, but we were all keen to grab a glimpse of the family jewels, and the Tower didn't disappoint even though I'd seen them once before. We drifted on travelators past what was literally a king's ransom (and more) of crafted gold, silver, platinum, and more jewels than you could shake a pearl-encrusted sceptre at, including the monstrous Cullinan I diamond, the second largest diamond in the world. Still, up close, it's hard to believe that it's all so valuable. There's enough golden dinnerware to serve an army - platters, goblets, tureens, wine bowls, and even a salt, pepper, and spices caddy in the shape of a small castle - the Exeter Salt. Bizarro.

Times have changed since those heady days of multimillion pound dinner services, and these days the monarch gets wheeled out for the opening of chicken factories and the like, and the occasional pomptastic parade. But our parliamentary system is one of the oldest models in the world, and has been taken up, refined, and immeasurably improved by many countries; nevertheless we're still chugging away with v1.0. That's progress for you. On May 5th, the quinquennial flowering of this beloved institution, a bunch of us did our electoral duty and went off to Thorpe Park to enjoy a day of thrills, spills, and gut-wrenching rollercoasters and rides. And junk food of course. After several hours of being drenched and thrown about the air on mechanical nightmares, I was surprised to have kept my Zinger Tower meal in my stomach; Sharon fared less well and returned her lunch to the park. Conservative voters might well have been feeling a bit queasy or just plain ill the following day when they found that their party had performed pathetically again, if better than last time. Hurrah!

My pics from the Tower of London.

Thursday, May 19 2005, 14:22

At home with the Queen

The last weekend outing was to Windsor Castle, coinciding by chance with QE2 herself, who was entertaining visitors. Just as we entered, a band was marching out into Windsor town playing Colonel Bogey, of all things... Our tour guide on this occasion was a well-spoken lady of middle years who sadly lacked the sergeant-major decibels of our Beefeater; she also had the amusing propensity of appending a nervous giggle to each of her well-informed pronouncements. Windsor is the largest occupied castle in the world, and we were all quite astonished at just how large it was. It's been enlarged and embellished by successive monarchs for nearly 1000 years, so you'd expect the wallpaper to be rather thick by now. Since it's still in use as a residence, it's obviously in pretty good nick and doesn't have the dilapidated look that most castles have.

After our brief tour, which was oppressed by the constant racket of the flight path to Heathrow overhead, we joined the queue to see Queen Mary's Dolls' House. I'll just note here that apostrophes were in use everywhere at Windsor in the quaintest of places: you were invited to put your "mobile 'phones" through the x-ray machine at the entrance. I'm sure if Windsor had a supermarket, they would have certainly had a queue for "10 items or fewer" rather than "less", which seems to be the disappointing norm. But anyway...
There was oddly no handy information visible on the Dolls' House, but there was a warder in the corner barking at people not to take photos, and I bravely asked him some questions. The House was built for an exhibition in the 20s and is very large. It contains such rooms as the King's Room, the Queen's Room, a cellar, saloon, dining hall, servants' quarters, a trunk room, etc. It is perfect to the minutest detail. The ceilings are painted with frescoes, there are real portraits hanging on the walls, and the beds are hung with real curtains and covered in fancy miniature bedclothes; the lights and even the taps work; the vintage cars in the garages have combustion engines that run on woodsap alcohol. It was given as a gift to Queen Mary and has never been touched by children (quite right too).

From there we wandered into the State Rooms, where we were confronted with an expensive crockery collection that can only be described as grotesque. Clearly, solid gold tableware of the kind found in the Tower was too expensive and people in later centuries had to make do with painting blobs of gold liberally over their china and washing the rest with some garish enamel. Revolting. Moving swiftly on, we found ourselves in room after room of heavily gilded furniture, hung with antique portraits of sober queens with folded hands, of grim kings striking some pose, of sullen princelings and chubby princesses alternatively in ostentatious finery or puritan black, and all sporting a variety of miserable bonnets, excessive ruffs, shocking hair, and imposing codpieces. I found the experience particularly resonant, because many of the pictures were paintings I had seen in history books and encyclopaedias years ago - and here they were, right before me.

My pics from Windsor Castle.

Wednesday, May 25 2005, 10:06

Undo! Undo! Undo!

Microserfs is providing me with bite-size chunks of amusement every morning, perfect for Tube journeys. The way the narrator uses computing metaphors to describe his life keep me smiling, and at the same time reassure me that I'm a long way from reaching true geekdom myself. For instance, if I were to make some embarrassing social gaffe (like that ever happens!), I wouldn't think to myself "CTRL+Z!"

Today though, I was shocked/delighted to read the main character using "fellated" metaphorically! How daring! How cheeky! And yet so casually thrown in.

"Susan, in spite of ragging on the decor with us, started fellating our hostess, Ann, on the subject of houses."

Fantastic! I'm only half sure I know what it means. I challenge you all to use the word "fellate" today in a non-sexual context. Go on, I dare you!

I guess I am a geek after all. Just a different sort, eh?