Thursday, February 26 2009, 23:01

Camp attack

Sydney Mardi Gras is here again - and this time, instead of just partying until my legs fall off, I'm actually going to be in the parade. One of the star performances at the Mardi Gras after party this year is by British DJs, the Freemasons. You may have heard of them - they turn Beyonce's distinctly average tunes into disco sensations. Anyway, to celebrate their appearance there is a Freemasons float in the parade, and I am gracing them with my presence. I always thought it would be fun to be in the parade at least once, and I'd rather have some musical theme than just marching along and looking foolish when it inevitably pauses.

So there we go. I signed up. And I persuaded a few others to join me, so my embarassment might be shared. My partners in crime are Chris, Mikey, Luke, and Greg. Unfortunately we all signed up before we saw the outfit for this enterprise, and before we saw the dance routine. Our ensemble for marching down Oxford Street before a crowd of thousands and the cameras broadcasting live to cable tv, is a teeny tiny pair of aussiebum shorts, and a shiny sash surmounted by a glittery star and trailing a further bit of shiny material.

That's right. A sash.

The organisers have thoughtfully posted a youtube video of the dance routine for us all to practise at home. We expected the choreography to be simple and repetitive - easy to pick up. We were WRONG. Not only was it, as Greg described, "the Gay of Gay Dances", camp beyond our most theatrical dreams, it looked pretty f**king complicated. But we're game souls, and we lined up in front of Mikey's tv until we had the arm waving pretty much sorted. We've since been to two official rehearsals, so we've just about got the walking, dancing, jumping licked as well. All except Greg, who doesn't actually get to Sydney until the weekend, so he may need some private tutoring. For my part, I have a new respect for the drama-hungry muppets on So You Think You Can Dance...

I know you've been waiting for it. Here's the youtube video. Wish us luck!

Wednesday, March 4 2009, 17:22

Debuts

Thanks so much for your many comments on my Mardi Gras participation this year (ranging from disbelief to demands for photos and/or video footage). I've now been to a few more rehearsals and I think I've got the routine licked. It goes on for about five minutes, and repeats until we get from the start of the parade down to the Entertainment Quarter - about forty-five minutes, I'm told. Neil (who got here from London on Saturday), Chris, and Chris will have their lenses trained on the parade, so they're bound to capture my marching debut. Until then, you can have a peek at the footage shot at the rehearsal on Saturday; of course, that doesn't include our costume, which I can now reveal will include not much more than these wee red shorts.

Speaking of debuts, I played my first game of bingo on Friday, or rather, Bingay. 350 odd people packed themselves into Paddington RSL for a long night of "eyes down and shut the f*ck up!" compered by local drag queen, nay - doyenne - Mitzi Macintosh, who peppered the proceedings with all sorts of expletives. There were prizes for practically everyone - everyone except me, John, Bryan, and Chris - prizes ranging from tickets to the opera and restaurant reservations to thongs (flip-flops) and eye-watering sex toys with improbable names. Those unfortunates who made the mistake of shrieking "bingo!" instead of "bingay!" still received their prize, but were made to wear a hat shaped like either a large penis (complete with testicles) or sparkly, pink, many-folded labia.

As I said, we didn't win a darn thing - and after twelve games I was a bit weary of the whole thing. More worryingly, I felt like I'd had a glimpse of what it might be like in a gay retirement village - a premonition of my future? I hope not...